The Bridge — Negotiation, Persuasion and Getting What You Need

Nobody gives a toss about your product or service. Not really. I don't care about mine either, past the point where it gets me from where I am to where I want to be.

That's the whole game — in a boardroom, in a sale, in an argument with someone you love. People care about what you're offering to the exact extent that it moves them away from pain or towards pleasure. Nothing more. I've spent close to four decades negotiating — with creditors in 1988 when my own business went under, and with clients, banks and regulators every year since — and the mechanics never change.

I've put what I've learned into a short guide, The Bridge. Nine chapters, no padding. Here's the short version, and a link to the whole thing below.

You are the bridge, not the product

Every decision runs on one of two forces: moving away from pain, or moving towards pleasure. When you're negotiating, you are not the offer, the argument or the position you're holding — you are the bridge between where the other person is now and where they want to be. Most people only ever describe their side of it: the price, the terms. Map the "from" and the "to" before you talk numbers, and the numbers start explaining themselves.

Sell the feeling, not the feature

Nobody buys a product. They buy the feeling it gets them to — relieved, respected, back in control, safe, free. A feature is a fact. A benefit only lands once you finish the sentence: "...which means for you..." Most pitches stop at the fact and leave the other person to do the translation. They won't. Do it for them, out loud, every time.

Soften your language

Logic-trigger words — payment, contract, sign — put a wall up the moment they're heard, because they sound official and a little threatening. You're asking for exactly the same thing either way. Choose the door, not the wall.

The donkey and the cart

There are three ways to move someone: beat them with a stick (fear, and it stops working the moment it stops escalating), dangle a carrot just out of reach (they eventually work out they're never getting it, and give up), or connect what you're asking to something they'll genuinely want to keep doing. Only the third one lasts once you've left the room.

It works at the kitchen table too

Everything in the book runs exactly the same with people you live with. Silence, punishment and score-keeping don't get your needs met. Naming what you actually need, in a way that lets the other person keep their dignity, does.

Before your next negotiation, ask yourself one question: right now, in this conversation, am I talking to someone's pain, or their gain? Get that wrong and the best argument in the world talks straight past them.

Download The Bridge — the full guide, free (PDF)

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